I've tried to avoid all things Duggar for the past several years. 19 kids equals way too much exploitation for my taste. But I can't seem to avoid having this whole Josh Duggar "scandal" shoved down my throat every time I turn around. Its all over Facebook, Twitter, People Magazine, cnn.com, the grocery store, the gas station, the water cooler.....I put scandal in quotes because I don't see this as so much of a scandal as an unconscionable act of travesty against both religion and justice. By both Josh and his parents.
I am not writing (or judging) as a representative of morality or Godliness, I am writing as someone who has experienced firsthand how being sexually abused can DESTROY you. Something that happens to you when you are 9 years old can follow you through your entire adult life. Yes, therapy can help. But it will never, ever undo whats been done. And therapy (and meds) cannot ever entirely take away all the self-doubt and lingering feelings of hurt, shame, and even guilt.
It is not something you can simply "get over". It is ALWAYS there. And then there are also the never-ending, unanswerable questions: What would I be like had this never happened? Would I be happier? Would I like and respect myself more? Would I have respected myself enough to not let that horrible, drunk & passed out thing happen to me when I was 15? Would I care more about the people that could be hurt by some of the choices I've made? And the big one: Would I even have done some of the things I've done had this never happened????
It's not an excuse. And it's not a reason. It just simply is what it is. And I am who I am. And I know right from wrong. But sometimes how I feel about myself and my need for approval and acceptance overpowers common sense. I would guess that most days, 99.9% of the day I do not give the past any thought at all. But if we do the math, that still means that I spend about a minute a day HATING myself and what I've been through.
But this isn't about me. It's about the girls who have been hurt and completely disregarded. And this is what makes me both angry and sad. I feel like they've been forced into forgiving someone who violated them in ways that no one who hasn't been there (and even some people who have) can never truly understand. They've been preached at that since God forgives, they must too.
But one of the fundamental thoughts I've carried with me for over 30 years is that some acts are truly unforgivable, and that eventually he would die and go to Hell and pay for what he did. And since he's dead now, I want to believe (need to believe!) that he was not forgiven and is rotting in Hell. I know this is not a very Christian way to think,. But hurting a 9 year old like that is not a very Christian thing to do.
So to the innocent girls Josh Duggar hurt, I pray you can find the peace that I'm still searching for. Please know that he was entirely wrong and at fault, and your parents actions and reactions were wrong and you deserve better. Forgiveness is a nice theory, but some things are UNFORGIVABLE! All you can do is accept and deal. But don't deal like I have. Have enough love and respect for yourself to not need the approval of others, and try not to hurt people through your actions.
I hesitate to post this, but why should I continue to be ashamed of something that happened to me through no fault of my own? I did nothing wrong. This is one of my every day struggles, and maybe someone will read it and feel not quite so alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ckom3gf57Yw
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