It's hot and sticky outside and it's hot and sticky inside. Hopefully it cools off inside, or its going to be a very long day. I have decided I need to take a step back from this novel thing, it's just bringing back way too much that I don't think I'm capable of dealing with at the current time. I've got 20 chapters done, and I just need a break from having to deal with the past.
I had an important epiphany last night, and it's kind of scary. I realized that I tend to overshare with people in an attempt to push them away. Because if I can push them away, then they can't hurt me. I've gone over the past, and I think I've always sort of been that way. If I can tell people enough about the real me and my real feelings, then they will get scared away. This is not how I want to be, but it is how I am. There have been parts of my life that have been really, really bad. My life really has been one big Lifetime movie.
Someone pointed out to me last night that I can't change the past. And that is true. But I also think I need to deal with at least some of it in order to move past it. But there are also some things I just need to let go of. I can not hold myself responsible for other peoples choices. And I need to realize that their choices are a reflection of them, and not me. And that's a hard one.
Maybe the hurt they've caused me is not because I was broken, but because they were. And maybe with knowing that, I can let it go. I can't control people's actions, but I can control my reactions. and I need to let go of all the past hurt and feelings of brokenness, and focus on how I can use what I'm learning to make myself be better.
And maybe there are some things I will never know the answers to. And maybe it's better that I don't. I'm not sure I want to or need to know why I wasn't the one who was worth changing for. Because knowing wouldn't change the past. and so that's a question I need to let go. There is a lot I just need to let go of.
And on a similar note, there are certain things I need to do to be able to move past the past. I have made the very difficult decision that I'm going to spend this 3 day weekend finishing the book "Missing Mom". It is the only book I've ever had to put down because it was just too painful and emotional to read. But I think I need to finish it so I can move past it. It's one of the unfinished things that I need to find closure for. I don't think anyone could argue when I say that my mom was one of the most wonderful people to ever live, and I was very fortunate to have had her for as long as I did. And anyone that knew her would understand the horrible loss and the huge void she left in my life. But I need to instead focus on how lucky I was to have had her as my mom. And I think once I finish this book then I can let go of the pain and focus on the good. Because there was so much good.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKMGp1jHYq0
and maybe this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2jOB2zj_jU
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