I should've known you'd bring me heartache.....

Weigh-in Wednesday...I am up 2/10 of a pound, which is pretty much even. I guess that is better than a huge gain.

I was going to make this awesome Vikings Halloween costume, but then I looked at the calendar and decided I should just go through what I have in my costume bins. I tried on a bunch of stuff, and decided I would go with "Zombie Bride" because I love the make up. Still not sure what we are doing, but I'm sure it will be fun. Plus, it won't be me, it will be a dead bride. Now to find a veil and the right earrings....

I decided to make this a 4 day weekend, and so I took off Monday and Tuesday. I already had Tuesday off since it's the day after the concert, so I decided to just take the extra day since I still have so much PTO left. Extra sleep!!

I started watching season 5 of The Walking Dead. Love it. I so love shows like that. Reminds me of The Stand.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5cF7b9EnH90

Distant eyes, Promises we made were in vain.....

So I am playing this: http://startribune.profootball.upickem.net/profootball/registration/login.asp  for the like 7th year in a row. I had a really bad first couple of weeks.Week one I went 10/16 and last week I was 8/16. For week 3 I went 15/16. Finally a good week!! Maybe I can make a comeback???
p.s. It is so hard to pick the Packers to win....

My closet is all completed. Mostly. I still have some clean up to do. I have a huge stack of stuff to donate piled up. But all of my clothes are in my closet. And I have a lot of clothes.....At least for once everything in my closet fits me. Today I am wearing a pair of capri pants that have not fit since like 2010. Now I just need to quit buying clothes. And it has been months since I've bought anything new. I may have this shopping thing under control!! Plus, I don't really need any clothes. Except a Bridgewater jersey. That is going to be my next purchase. And I need to start shopping for Christmas. Its going to be challenging since I do not want to get Alyssa any clothes. She doesn't need any, either. and usually thats my default present since it's easy.

So last night I found a box in the bottom of my closet that I completely forget about. It contained every single card I got at my baby shower over 23 years ago. I really can't believe I saved them all. And I found Alyssa's baby book.  It also had my diary from when I was 15 and 16 in it. It was bittersweet to read through it. So many happy times, and so much sadness. But I can read it and be happy about all the good memories. And there were many.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_wY6i5vRlUU

Just tell me where to begin cause I never ever felt so much ......

Another Monday....I'm already wishing this week was over.

The garage sale was a minor success, I got rid of a ton of clothes, but I didn't make much money. I left with $100, which I guess isn't terrible until you consider that it was probably $5000 worth of clothes. But since they don't fit me anymore, they did have to go.

Yesterday was okay, but today every single part of my body hurts. I guess that's what you get when you lug huge totes full of clothes 100 miles. There were a few parts of the sale I was not happy with. The vendor part was really well organized, but the garage seller part was a mess. So I just took a spot and that's where I set up. And this was supposed to be a "Body Positive" event, but there were a ton of vendors trying to sell weight loss stuff. One vendor went around to every seller table handing out cards and trying to make sales. Um, we all already know we are overweight. We don't need weight loss crap shoved down out throats, especially when we are trying to promote plus-size clothes.

And then when I got home I got into a fight with Nick. He has been attending fellowship meetings at a friends house, and was trying to convince me I should go, because apparently I need to find God. Asking me to go is fine, but trying to shove it down my throat is not okay. How could he be with me for so long and not understand my feelings about God and religion? My faith and belief are unwavering, but I will not attend church or an organized religious event. And this is not up for debate. And I do not want to be told what and how I should believe. I was so glad he left for the night, because I really thought I might start throwing things at him.

At least the Vikings won! And it was a great game. AP is back!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqlTR91e_LQ

Hope you find your paradise....

Finally Friday!! I've got all my clothes sorted and ready to sell. Please let me make back at least my sellers fees tomorrow!!

So last night CH brought the baby over. As I often do, I took a picture of me and the baby and sent it to C-C-W and Ggg. They both messaged back " You and that baby again". That got me to thinking about why I am so enamored with this baby. I mean besides the fact that she is adorable. And I guess the truth is that I always imagined myself having more kids. At least 2 more babies. I was never lucky enough for that to happen. I love The Princess with all my heart, and I am very happy to have her. But I always imagined I would have more kids when I was more prepared. Because as hard as I tried, I made mistakes. I was young. And sometimes it's hard not to feel self-pity about my lot in life. And as much as my life sucks sometimes, holding the baby reminds me of all the good things in the world.

And I have to believe that everything that has happened has been for a reason. All the bad, all the heartbreak, all the pain.....eventually there must be a payoff for that. Or maybe there won't be. Maybe this is it. I just have to remember that God has a plan. And maybe I'm not here for me, but I'm here for someone else, to do good for someone else. And I have to accept that my life is greater than me, and I need to continue to give unselfishly and I need to keep loving unconditionally and know that what I do for others is always the most important thing. Always.

I don't mean any of that in a negative way, but really in the most positive way possible. It's not about me all the time. And I can deal with my pain. So maybe I need to find a way to help others deal with theirs.....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd0-6zGkQe0

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got.....

It's rainy and wet outside. My hair did not survive the walk from my car into the building, I look like a drowned rat. At least I have a diet coke to make it all better.

Ggg sent me this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xL5spALs-eA  It reminds me of a story about when The Princess and her friend Zemily decided to make a music video to this song. So I recorded them with a 50 pound camcorder. They were like 12 or 13, and the video involved them going out to get the mail while singing. It was so cute!! I wonder if I still have that somewhere. It's hard to believe that Zemily has finished college and has a kid. I'm getting so old!

I had to do a presentation yesterday to my department about all the markets I use and what I use them for. It went well considering I don't think they really care about what I do. But at least they will have the reference sheet I put together to refer to next time I go on vacation.

And speaking of vacation, I really need one. I need to get back to playing My Vegas slots. I have enough points for 2 weekday hotel nights, now I need to win enough to cover food. And I need to find someone to go with me. Flying to Vegas is cheap, and alcohol is free, so maybe if I offer to cover the airfare Becky or someone will come with. Why did I quit playing the slots every night? I was doing so well. I think I will log in right now!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcLDJ8tZHz8

How do you free your soul, after you've found a friend?

Ugh! I have not had any coffee yet. I have a health insurance screening at 7, and will be getting my cholesterol done, so no coffee until it's over. I love coffee so  much....

ZarahZou and her family are in Sweden. She's been texting me all morning. She just sent me a picture of a Swedish bathroom sign. Because that is just the type of thing we do. Mari got coffee and candy for breakfast, so I bet she is bouncing off the walls. She's 7, and is one of my most favorite people ever. She is very into fashion.

I was a bit envious that Sarah gets to go on all these vacations. But then I remembered that she doesn't buy lip gloss, and that if I didn't, I could afford the vacations. And that is just not a trade-off I am willing to make. What does that say about me? Other than that I love lip gloss?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-nrGWwHalCU

And you're the only one I'm thinkin' of.....

Another Tuesday. I'm not sure why I'm so tired, I was sleeping by 9:30 last night. I already want a nap and it's not even 6:30.

So I had to stop over at my sisters house yesterday and pick up my card table and chairs for the sale this weekend. She gave me some stuff she wanted me to sell for her. This stuff included 2 gifts I had given her. A really cute plaque that compared sisters to credit cards because you are always in their debt and a book I just gave her a couple months ago about sisters being like cookies and milk because they go together so well. They were supposed to be thoughtful "just because" gifts, but apparently she lacks any form of sentimentality. I guess next time I want to give her a present, I will just give her some cash.

I ordered some gel polishes from Amazon, and yesterday I got "Slurple Purple" in the mail. I can't wait until I get the gold color so I can turn my nails into a Vikings celebration. Currently they are Ruby Red with Hi Ho Silver tips in a style called "Icicle", meaning the silver drips. down the tips. The people in my house called them both horrorish and whoreish. I like them, they are different and I needed a change.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vwHuCC6nP8

And it feels like I'm drowning, Pulling against the stream

Another Monday....I had a great weekend of doing absolutely nothing. Those really are some of the best weekends. I went through one of my totes of clothes and found like 20 pairs of pants that actually fit. I was super excited about that!!

I went to my dad's yesterday to watch the Vikings game. And we won! Things seems to be coming together and I think it's going to be an awesome season.Well, first we need a kicker who doesn't miss point afters. I hope he can work out whatever his issues are.

Once upon a time the Lions were my second favorite team. But that was only because I had a huge crush on Charlie Batch. Because really that's the best way to pick your favorite team - whoever has the hottest quarterback. I think that might have been the year they went 1-15. He wasn't the best quarterback, but he was the hottest.

I need more coffee......

I love this version of this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0a5WyAjL1MM

Were you starting to worry I was finally getting over you.....

I'm so glad it's Friday! It's been a very long week.

This song reminds me of a funny story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V5UOC0C0x8Q

Actually, the story isn't really funny now that I think about it more. There was this guy that I worked at a restaurant with and we flirted quite a bit. But he was really dumb, like he was ALWAYS stoned, and the pot destroyed more than a few of his brain cells. Anyhow, eventually, of course,  he asked me out. Because back in the day I was not bad looking.

So he was going to pick me up after work. I spent an hour in the work bathroom making myself look hot. I even bought new lip gloss. So, he shows up and he brought a girl with! He said she was his best friend, and they were just friends, and he wanted me to meet her. So you bring her with on a first date??? It's nice you wanted to introduce me to your friends, but maybe that should have waited for the second date? Or at least a heads up? And if threesome was your goal, you should have at least found a hot girl to bring with!!

It was a disaster of a date. We just went back to my house and ordered pizza and listened to my STP cassette. There was no goodnight kiss, and definitely no second date despite his repeated attempts to ask me. Although I did say yes when he asked me to go to his prom with him. But only because I really wanted to have a better prom experience than my senior one. We ended up not going because I had surgery on my feet and couldn't really walk. So, the moral of my story is that no matter how hot you are, if you bring a girl with on our first date, there is not going to be a second.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAbrk3OISyo

A guy like you should wear a warning.....

My allergies suck today. Actually they have been bad this whole week. And its pouring out so I'm dripping wet. And not in a good way. At least tomorrow is Friday.

So I am totally in love with this website I found. It's a site where you can write and publish anonymously. I'm not saying what the website is, as that would defeat the purpose of anonymous. It's nice to have an outlet where I can say anything and not have my name attached. I mean, I can and do say just about anything in my blog, but some thoughts should remain private. And this allows me the writing outlet I so desperately need without having to be accountable for my feelings at the current time. and so many of the postings are so similar to what I want to say. Please don't go looking for the website. Please.

Yesterday on the way home I saw this guy driving in the lane next to me and I just knew that he was going to cause an accident. He was stopping way to close to the car in front of him. About 3 minutes after I had that thought, his car drifted into the next lane and he rammed into a car. Thankfully we were not going fast enough for anyone to get hurt and there was only minimal damage to both cars. But seeing things like that is kinda scary.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCRT8IItGpw

When it's right, the light just comes shinin' through.....

United Way Bake Sale Day.....I spent hours last night baking cookies, brownies and rice krispie bars. Actually, the Princess did most of it. Thank you darling for all your help. So very appreciated. I hope the sale is a success. I haven't actively participated in very many United Way events the past couple years, so I hope my yummy donations make up for it. And I'm not buying anything!!!

Weigh-In Wednesday....I am exactly even from last week. What is going on??? I mean, it's good I haven't gained, but I am the exact same to the ounce. I even moved my scale to make sure it was right. and then I picked up a hand weight to make sure it was accurate, and it is. So odd!!

I'm not sure why I'm so tired today, I was sleeping by 9:15. I feel like I need a nap already and I've only been up for 2 & 1/2 hours.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zg21Rkew874

If you put 2 and 2 together you will see what our friendship is for......

Thanks NFL Schedule Maker Guy, lack of sleep makes me choose this as my song today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ro0FW9Qt-4

Actually, I really like that song, but in order to make myself seem less dorky I'm blaming the choice on circumstances beyond my control. Like a 9:30 kick-off time. I like to finish what I start, but half-time at 11 is sooooooo late. I took a 3 hour nap, but I require lots and lots of sleep. In the future can we please start all games by 7:30? Pretty please and thank you.

And another thing, I would only ask you to pay me 1/10 of the salary to miss field goals. Actually, I would be willing to kick wide right for free and you could use the money to invest in energy drinks or something.

It's United Way week. I paid a bunch of money to enter a bunch of raffles for a bunch of crap I don't need. I really don't need a gift basket full of smelly lotion I will never use. I sometimes think for a second I want to be able to use that Bath & Body Works junk, but I hate smelling like I took a bath in Country Apple Puke. There is a Starbucks gift basket I wouldn't mind winning, it includes a gift card. But there is also a bag of ground coffee in it, and I don't have a coffee pot. There's a movie night gift basket I entered to win, but only because there is a diet coke in it. Not sure what I will do with a stack of family oriented movies and microwave popcorn.

I'm usually not so cranky about the United Way fundraiser, but that's what happens when I get 3 hours of sleep.

If only I could stay asleep, At least I could pretend you're thinkin' of me

Another Monday......I went to bed at last night at 7:30. I mean, I was actually sleeping at 7:30, and I slept until about 3 when I woke up for about 3 minutes and then went right back to sleep. I should not feel as tired as I do. Maybe I slept too much. But is that possible??

I had a great weekend, pedi playdate days are always fantastic. I have pretty toes, and I got to spend a couple hours with ZarahZou. I'm kind of unhappy that Regency has discontinued their rewards program. We used to be able to get enough pedi's to get a free facial and have a mini-spa day. I guess those days are over.

I spent the rest of the weekend sorting through  my clothes. I have so much to sell and get rid of.

I'm continuing to watch Person of Interest on Netflix. I'm still not even sure if I like it. I just can't get into the characters. I love the concept of the show, but....

Vikings game tonight! Unfortunately it starts at like midnight. I'm going to go over to my dads to watch at least the first half. But I'm not sure how much past that I can stay awake.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M8MlK_bsW8U

Though I want to be with you, Be with you night and day, Nothing changes

It's Friday! This has been one of those long weeks, even though it was a short week. Something about spending over 5 hours in the hospital makes a day seem 3 times as long. At least my dad is doing well. During the angiogram the doctor was able to clear out his blocked artery and he said that the bypass arteries were pristine. I'm so glad, its great to get good news at the hospital for a change. Now here's to hoping that he will follow the doctors (and Jennie's!!) orders and improve his diet and start exercising again.

Last night I leveled up to 159 in Bingo Blitz. And then I finished 2 slot rooms and ended up with a ton of coins. Enough that I thought I could maybe level up to 160 in one night. For reference, it took me 3 weeks of daily play to go from 158 to 159. So anyway, I realized what an absolute nerd I am when I pulled out my calculator to see exactly how many spins I needed to level up. It's 1331. So then I had to figure out how many spins I could do with the coins I had if I didn't win anything. It was 660. But then I won huge and I have enough coins to level, but I ran out of time last night. Then I started to wonder if this is normal behavior? Am I the only one in the entire universe that would do something so totally dorky and pull a calculator for a facebook game??

Anyhow, that's my story for today. I am a huge nerd who is going to level up to 160 in Bingo Blitz today. Today I am thankful for autospin.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlDi4hpJsaY

The next thing I did was put my red dress on.....

Today I am thankful for coffee and undereye concealer. The 2 minutes of sleep I got last night does not really qualify as beauty sleep. I hate that when I get stressed that out two things happen - I can't sleep and I break out. And I never know I can't sleep until its too late to take something. So then I'm up all night. And I really love sleep so much.

So, my sister is in Italy. Because every time there is a family crisis she is conveniently out of the country. At least this time it's not Iraq. Because that time super sucked because there was no easy way to contact her. And she will be home Saturday. I really think before she flies across the ocean she should tell her sister where she is going to be. A text or facebook message would suffice. Or even a status update. Something so at least I would know she is okay if she doesn't return one of my 19 voice mail messages.

I am so glad that Saturday is Pedi-Playdate day with ZarahZou. I need a pedicure and lunch with one of my bff's. I'm so glad she's my friend. Not sure what I would do without her.

And then there's this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcEGfu_a1hw

But your love made me a prisoner, yeah my heart's been doing time.....

Wednesday. And I totally forgot to weigh in since it feels like a Tuesday. But the weather is perfect and it's going to be a good day. Or a long day. Or both. I'm already thinking I could use a nap.

Today is my wedding anniversary. No idea how I managed to stay married for 8 years. Thank you to Facebook for the reminder, or else I may have actually forgotten.

This was going to be my blog song today : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHRNSeuvzlM
but Ggg sent it to me before I could use it. I am seriously a little freaked out. I would say something about great minds thinking alike, but its actually rather eerie. You can't even make stuff like that up.

I just got an email for our United Way week. I'm a little bit sad that I'm no longer running the campaign, but then I remember how much work it was and I'm kind of glad. And now 3 people are doing what I did by myself. Maybe if I had accepted help I would not have found it so stressful. But I work better alone. And I really don't miss all the meeting with the execs and all the written proposals. I think some day I'd like to go back to chairing it, but maybe I will wait a few more years before I volunteer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=340oHecvuIw

And you need her and she needs you.....

It's rainy today, but at least the temp is down. I'm so sick of the humidity. And is it horrible that I'm sick of it because of what it does to my hair?? I'm not sure why I'm so vain sometimes.

Saturday night was another successful glee event, if success means we got super drunk and sang really loud. We had the best song list. And I only drunk texted one person, so that's a win! And it was just AB, so that doesn't even count because it was just my obligatory drunk text. Even if I couldn't spell obligatory at the time. He knew what I meant.

Waking up and feeling at peace is such a new, wonderful feeling. Sharing my story with Ggg was such a great thing. And it shows exactly how much I trust him, because there were lots of hard truths in it. About him and about me. And I never once felt like he would hold anything I had to say against me. Because that is the scary thing about sharing such personal things and feelings, you never know how someone will react. But I never doubted him. Anyhow, my whole point was that I feel like a weight has been lifted and I can let go of everything bad. And that is such a good feeling.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V-xpJRwIA-Q

So the hearts keep breaking, and the heads just roll....

I stayed up way too late last night. But totally worth it. A 6 point loss to the #2 team in the country is almost like a win. Well, a win would have been fantastic. But dare I say we may have an actual defense this year?? Go, Gophers!!

And the Vikings played last night.....

I am super stuck on level 1145 of Candy Crush. This is most definitely one of the hardest levels yet. I wish there was a way to skip past it. But then again, I do like a challenge. But I like an easier challenge more.

I've got to sort through all of my lyrics for Saturday. I'm super excited to get drunk and sing!!!

I heard this song on the radio this morning. Love! Love! Love! We are going to sing it Saturday night!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uLI6BnVh6w

For you I've lived and for you I will die....

I just spent like 2 hours making copies of our song lyrics for Saturday night. We have some really good songs to sing, and I'm super excited. Unfortunately Lena can't come, and I haven't heard from Becky yet, but Mandy will be there. I hope she wears a costume this time. With an open theme, she can do most anything.

Last night I started writing the final chapter of my novel. And I woke up feeling really good, like a weight had been lifted. As painful and horrible as some of the things were to put on paper, I really think I did need to write them and deal with it. And I feel better for doing it. And it didn't hurt that I had an adorable baby to cuddle with. Babies really do make some things better. How can you be sad when you are holding a tiny piece of perfection?

For once I'm choosing to listen to Nick Cave not because I'm sad, but because I actually like his music. That may actually be a first for me. I may be healing! And wherever this journey takes me, I think I'm finally ready for it.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brFB5yjda58

You go your way, I go mine But I'll see you next time

It's raining. I'm Only Happy When it Rains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=esEdC0c3YI4

Weigh-In Wednesday and down 1/2 a pound. I guess that's okay. I wanted more, but I guess a loss is a loss.

Yesterday C-C-W and I decided to have a Glee Event this weekend. It's been awhile since we've just gotten drunk and sang. I think I need this. We are doing "Open Theme" and I'm going 80's and she is going goth. the open theme means we can sing just about any song, so we are putting together a list. I know she is going to hate some of my choices, but this is my new favorite song so she is just going to have to sing it. At least twice. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Q9Gou6d9Uo  And I want to include some of the other songs I've been listening to lately, even though they are not exactly her type of music. I guess that's the reward for not only hosting, but self-appointing myself president and CEO of our club.

My outfit is all picked out. My "dress" is not actually dress. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be a shirt. But it is totally perfect as an 80's dress, even if it is rather short. And I have awesome lavender tights to wear thanks to the Princess. I think I'm going to crimp my hair, I haven't done that in so long.

I need to put together our lyric sheets!!!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zs3xXlXSOKk

Just as soon as I get what I want I get unsatisfied....

It's hot and sticky outside and it's hot and sticky inside. Hopefully it cools off inside, or its going to be a very long day. I have decided I need to take a step back from this novel thing, it's just bringing back way too much that I don't think I'm capable of dealing with at the current time. I've got 20 chapters done, and I just need a break from having to deal with the past.

I had an important epiphany last night, and it's kind of scary. I realized that I tend to overshare with people in an attempt to push them away. Because if I can push them away, then they can't hurt me. I've gone over the past, and I think I've always sort of been that way. If I can tell people enough about the real me and my real feelings, then they will get scared away. This is not how I want to be, but it is how I am. There have been parts of my life that have been really, really bad. My life really has been one big Lifetime movie.

Someone pointed out to me last night that I can't change the past. And that is true. But I also think I need to deal with at least some of it in order to move past it. But there are also some things I just need to let go of. I can not hold myself responsible for other peoples choices. And I need to realize that their choices are a reflection of them, and not me. And that's a hard one.

Maybe the hurt they've caused me is not because I was broken, but because they were. And maybe with knowing that, I can let it go. I can't control people's actions, but I can control my reactions. and I need to let go of all the past hurt and feelings of brokenness, and focus on how I can use what I'm learning to make myself be better.

And maybe there are some things I will never know the answers to. And maybe it's better that I don't. I'm not sure I want to or need to know why I wasn't the one who was worth changing for. Because knowing wouldn't change the past. and so that's a question I need to let go. There is a lot I just need to let go of.

And on a similar note, there are certain things I need to do to be able to move past the past. I have made the very difficult decision that I'm going to spend this 3 day weekend finishing the book "Missing Mom". It is the only book I've ever had to put down because it was just too painful and emotional to read. But I think I need to finish it so I can move past it. It's one of the unfinished things that I need to find closure for. I don't think anyone could argue when I say that my mom was one of the most wonderful people to ever live, and I was very fortunate to have had her for as long as I did. And anyone that knew her would understand the horrible loss and the huge void she left in my life. But I need to instead focus on how lucky I was to have had her as my mom. And I think once I finish this book then I can let go of the pain and focus on the good. Because there was so much good.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKMGp1jHYq0
and maybe this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2jOB2zj_jU